


Still Around

by FireboltRose7559



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, James T. Kirk is a Mess, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-04-26 07:31:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14397249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireboltRose7559/pseuds/FireboltRose7559
Summary: You and Jim have been long time lovers but the two of you have a argument and after a terrible incident Jim realizes what an idiot he was.P.S I am terrible at summaries, also comments and kudos are life





	1. Chapter 1

“ Plot a course to Ariolo, Ms (Y/L/N)” you heard your captain say. “Aye Captain” you answered almost begrudgingly. You tried to tone down the annoyance in your voice but you were only partially successful.

 

You came onboard the Enterprise as their Navigator after the Russian wiz kid Pavel Chekov was declared unfit for a duty after a  freak accident that left him completely paralyzed. It was strange that one could travel at light speed, but one could not as of yet heal nerve damage. The crew of the Enterprise was slow in accepting you. It was not that they did not like you, it was just that they were so used to seeing Mr.Chekov in the navigators chair that it almost seemed that you were committing a crime by taking his pace, and that made you feel terrible. It had been your dream to work in the flagship of Starfleet, but the crew's reaction to you made you feel unwelcome. During this phase your captain, James T Kirk, helped you out a lot. He was always there whenever you doubted your capabilities and felt that the crew members hated you. He was always there to provide emotional support and you were there to do the same for being a captain of a starship especially one as important as the Enterprise meant a lot of responsibilities and stress. The two of you went from colleagues to close friends to lovers in a span of one and a half years. The crew had soon enough accepted you as one of their own though and you had forgiven them for being cold for you understood, the young Russian had held a soft spot in everyone's heart. Everyone knew that you and the captain were the best of friends, but they did not know about your relationship. It wasn't  that dating your captain was against the rules, there was just a lot of paperwork but still you really did not want to make your relationship just yet, so it remained a secret to all but you, Jim and a select few of his friends.

 

The crew of the Enterprise had been given a week long shore leave on the pleasure-planet Gavin IV after spending almost 6 months on the starship, but your break was cut short when trouble loving captain, pulled everyone back on board just so that the could go and stop some sort of Civil War on the planet of  Bzzit Khaht. But that was not the reason you were so angry on the man, ok perhaps that was part of the reason but your jeopardy-friendly boyfriend had to get into a phaser fight in the middle of the peace talks, and not only that he had to get shot. You had spent the entire while that he was in the MedBay with him by his side and only when Bones deemed him fit for duty did you resume your post.

 

Spock, Bones and you tried to talk him out of going down to the surface again, but it whatever the three of you were saying was falling on deaf ears, for Jim went down to that planet again, and somehow managed to figure out that the Arioloans had some sort of hand in the fight. So here you were plotting a course for Ariolo and you knew the moment you reached there Jim was going to do something foolish that was going to end up with him hurt. You would have told him that, but you were not talking to him after the argument the two of you had before he left for Bzzit Khaht.

 

_ “Jim will stop being so stubborn they already shot you once, what makes you think that they won't do it again, there is no guarantee. Look I get that you won't listen to me but at least listen Bones and Spock, they only want what’s good for you. Please Jim, for the sake of my sanity don't go down there again” you begged, trying to get Jim to see sense, but he did not listen to you. “Y/N, I have to go down there, I was requested by Starfleet to help with the peace talks and bring peace to this planet. Do you not realize that this planet is a very important member of the Federation.” Exasperated you say, “I know Jim, but why can you not send someone else, why does it have to be you? Is it not more important to keep you safe? Surely there is somebody else who could do this job just as efficiently, for this is the flagship is it not? Only the best of the best are chosen to be a part of this crew” Jim knew he had no answer to that, so he did the only thing left, he pulled rank “Lieutenant (Y/L/N), will you stop questioning your superiors, I might just have to throw you in the brig for insubordination if you continue this. Do not think for a second that just because we have a relation other than our professional relationship that you have the right to question my orders.” This shook you completely, for Jim had never pulled rank before. He was always the one in the relation who said that your rank did not matter, while you were the one who always thought that it was wrong that you were in a relation with your superior. And now the same Jim Kirk not only pulled rank but also threatened you. You could not believe it, and it hurt you like hell, but you would not let that show. You stood up straighter and said “Very well then Captain I leave this matter in your capable hands” and walked away, while Jim who realized the mistake that he made tried to stop you. You went back to your quarters, and the first thing that you did was to change the access code to your room, and then you collapsed on the ground leaning on the wall and let the tears fall. _

 

You did not leave the room, until Hikaru came looking for you. The moment he saw you he knew that there was something wrong, but he did not ask for he knew you would tell him when you felt like it. While you were on your way back to the bridge Jim tried to stop you to talk, but you ignored him and went straight to your post. You could feel his eyes on you as he sat down in his chair. He then made a ship wide broadcast, telling the crew of the plan and how he intended on going down to Ariolo with Spock and investigate. You did not listen to rest and focused on your job.

  
  


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Hikaru noticed that you were a bit distracted and when he asked you he did not get a decent enough answer. You just wanted to get your mind of Jim, you were still hurt on how he had treated you, but you still hoped that he would come back unharmed. You were talking to Hikaru when suddenly the whole ship went on Red Alert. Apparently a few decks were loosing life support and the crew could not do anything to stop this. Being an expert in Softwares and AIs you immediately sat down to exam the ships software to rule out a hacking attempt but it seemed that Lady Luck was against you today for that was exactly what it was. You immediately commed Scotty. The Scotsman answered irritatedly “Scotty here, wha’ is it?” .“Scotty there is someone hacking the Enterprise, I’m coming down to engineering right now, keep the software bay empty for me” you practically shouted into the comm and ran into the turbolift saying “Mr.Sulu you have the conn”.

 

As soon as you reached the software deck that housed the data banks and base computer of the Enterprise you immediately got to work, trying to the prevent the Virus from spreading too far. Scotty came and visited you once saying that Jim and spock were informed of the situation and they would come back soon as possible, but they too were in a tight fix. Apparently there were a group of extremists on Ariolo that were behind everything and it could very well be assumed that they were the ones who were hacking the enterprise.

Your fingers flew over the keyboard as you tried to your best to keep the virus at bay and you were sort of successful. The extremists were not very happy because of that. Seeing that their plan was falling to pieces they launched one last attempt to destroy the Enterprise as a warning to Kirk to leave. So they attacked the Enterprise mainframe again this time taking out the shields. You were not expecting that but you got back to trying to drive the virus but whoever your opponent was he/she/it was most certainly formidable.

 

As soon as the shields were down, a group of a few immediately transported themselves onboard the Enterprise very very near you. You had just barely managed to get the virus away from the mainframe and get back the firewalls when you heard the distinctive charging off a phaser and as soon as you turned around you felt an intense amount of pain in the left side of your chest and you collapsed. You looked down to see a massive hole your lung should have been and you could vaguely hear someone talking about teaching Jim a lesson. You would have felt curious, but you were busy trying to breathe. Through your blurry vision you could see a red shirt running over to you and saying something but you could not hear him. Every breath that you tried to draw hurt more and more and after what felt like hours you gave in to the comforting darkness and your last thought was of Jim and how much you loved him.

  
  


  
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When Jim and Spock were transported back the first thing they saw that Bones, Scotty, Sulu and Uhura were waiting for them and they looked like something terrible had happened. It seemed that even Spock had sensed that for he immediately asked what was wrong. “You might want to find a place to sit down Jim” Bones said, his voice lacking the usual sarcasm and he looked like he was on the verge of tears. “Bones what wrong?” Jim asked. “As you know there was a cyber attack on the Enterprise by those extremists that you were chasing, seeing that (Y/N) had pretty much kicked their asses their hackers took out the shields and transported on board.” Leonard paused after that and the break in his voice making it obvious that he could not continue. Scotty who had obviously cried and still had fresh tear tracks on his cheeks then took the lead and continued “They sho’ her Jim, an’ I was too late. As soon as I got the message that the Extremists had beamed aboard the Enterprise, I knew they would try to attack her, but I couldn't do a thing. When I reached there she was already beyond help.” Fresh tears fell down Scotty’s face and Uhura turned away and buried her face in Scotty’s shoulder. Jim looked catatonic, he simply could not accept that you were dead, you were so alive just a few hours ago. He looked at Leonard “Bones, tell me this is a joke, please tell me that this is (Y/N) trying to pull my leg because we had an argument _ please tell me this a lie”  _ Jim practically begged but Leonard simply looked up and met Jim’ eyes and Jim immediately knew that this was not a prank.“Where is she?” he asked “In the MedBay but Jim you need to -” but before Leonard could continue Jim ran out of the transporter room.

 

As soon as he reached the Medical bay he saw the body bag in the centre of the room and he did not wait a second in practically ripping the bag open but he stopped when he saw lifeless body. Your face was so pale and your eyes closed never to open again and Jim could not take it any more, he collapsed on the ground and cried openly not caring if anyone saw him, for he knew the last conversation that he had with you was an argument. He wished to take your place but he knew it was futile. He started berating himself on how he should never have hurt you like he did, how he should have tried harder to apologise, how he should have stayed back. If only he had listened to you and stayed back, then this would not have happened. 

 

When Leonard and Spock found him, Jim was sitting on the ground leaning against a wall, his knees pressed to his chest, his arms around his knees. Jim was no longer crying, but he was in shock and being the diligent doctor that he is Leonard stuffed his emotions down and sedated Jim because he would not calm down any other way. Leonard then turned to Spock and said “We need to keep (Y/N)’s body out of his reach and we need to make sure that he is not alone. As far as I know him, Jim is blaming himself for her death and we both know how much he loved her and I would rather he not do something bad.” He continued, his voice barely a whisper “(Y/N) would not want that”. He then looked at you for one last time before zipping up the body bag once more.


	2. Once in a Lifetime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few weeks later........

_ Once in a lifetime _

_ It's just right _

_ We make no mistakes _

_ Not even a landslide or riptide _

_ Could take it all the way _

 

Jim sat by the bar a glass of whiskey in his hand, his sixth so far. He was drunk enough to not feel the pain that had been bearing down on him for the past two weeks. After the Commodore Paris had given the crew of the Enterprise a seven-week long shore leave in Yorktown after hearing everything that had happened, although the break was mostly meant to help Jim sort out everything and see if he was still fit for command. Jim knew there was no way he could ever deal with your death, so he was doing what he knew best, running from it all and drowning himself in alcohol. You were given a guard of honour during honour and a posthumous medal of honour and had a grand funeral, but Jim had not attended. He could not bear the thought of seeing you in a coffin let alone seeing it being buried, so here he was drinking. It was pretty late so there a very few people which suited him just fine. He still could not believe it, you had been so alive, so full of life and vibrant just a few weeks ago. Just a few weeks ago he could not eve imagine the thought of losing you but look at where he was now. His head now filled with _what ifs,_ _maybes_ and _if onlys._

 

_ Somehow, it feels like nothing has changed _

_ Right now, my heart is beating the same _

_ Out loud, someone's calling my name _

_ It sounds like you _

 

To be honest, if he avoided the pitiful and sympathetic glances that all of his friends threw in his direction and avoided any one who knew you, he could pretend that you were still alive, that perhaps you had to go away somewhere for a while and would be coming back soon. Everything was so different yet still the same. He had always thought had something ever happen to you he would definitely die, but his heart was still beating like it always did and honestly wished it would stop, for every breath he took killed him.Sipping his drink Jim put his head down on the bar and through the haze of the alcohol clouding his senses he could hear someone calling his name, and it felt like you were calling him but one look in that direction told him it was Bones.

 

_ When I close my eyes _

_ All the stars align _

_ And you are by my side _

_ You are by my side _

 

The ring in his pocket he always carried around felt like it weighed a ton right now, he could feel it weighing him down. He thought that he would perhaps miss the perfect moment so he always carried it around. Practically everyone who was his close friend knew about it, even Spock. But the irony was that then he waited for the perfect moment while now he waited for you. He knew that carrying around now would not help him, but he did not want to let it go. Even now when he closed his eyes he could clearly see how you would have reacted once he finally popped the question. He would have been a perfect gentleman, getting down on one knee and giving a long speech on how you completed him, about he had been head over heels in love with you since the first day the two of you met, how he could not imagine a life without you by his side. He could clearly picture your reaction, how you would throw your arms around him and say yes, how he would kiss you right then and there no matter who watched on, how he would make love to you the whole night after that. He could see himself standing with Bones and Scotty next to the minister as you walked down the aisle in a white dress that would make look absolutely divine. He knew he would have cried then, it did not matter that he was a grown man, you would have been his to call forever, even though he did not deserve you. He could imagine your expression when you said “I do”, how heavenly you would have looked during your first dance as a couple. He had already finished planning your honeymoon. It would have been a long one for you deserved to be pampered and treated like the goddess you were to him. The two of you would have spent a week in a romantic villa somewhere in rural Italy, touring by the day making love during the night, then perhaps some faraway island with beautiful beaches. Then perhaps somewhere cold like switzerland, ho could picture loving you by a warm fire roaring in the background.Then there would have been a two week long stay at the pleasure planet Risa. But he knew he was daydreaming for you were gone.Forever.

 

_ Once in a lifetime _

_ It's just right _

_ And we are always safe _

_ Not even the bad guys in the dark night _

_ Could take it all away _

_ Somehow, it feels like nothing has changed _

_ Right now, my heart is beating the same _

_ Out loud, someone's calling my name _

_ And it sounds like you _

 

Just a month ago the two of you were so happy and everything was so absolutely perfect, and he could not think that a simple mission could have gone so wrong. Jim downed his drink and felt it burn down his throat but it was nothing compared to the burning in his chest. He could vaguely understand Bones talking about how he was going into self-destructive tendencies but he could not bring himself to care even a little bit. He knew if he did not pull himself together he would lose his captaincy, but he did not care. Nothing really mattered to him anymore now that you weren't here. Oh how he wished everything was exactly as it was before when you were still alive, when you were still his. He wished he could talk to you one last time, wished that he could tell you how much he loved you and begged you to forgive him for talking to you like that, that he would just hear your voice one last time. But you were gone, so very far away.

 

_ When I close my eyes _

_ All the stars align _

_ And you are by my side _

_ You are by my side (you are by my side) _

_ You are by my side _

_ Once in a lifetime you were mine _

  
  
  



End file.
